A Man's Answers To Women's Questions

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WELCOME TO The EZINE WRITER emagazine! • "Useless as a fireproof match" says Chicago Tribune! • • T h e  E Z I N E  W R I T E R • D E S I G N E D  W I T H  Y O U R  M I N D  I N  M I N D <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> |||||||||||| The EZINE WRITER ||||||||||| <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A Man's Answers To Women's Questions _____________________-«{}»-_____________________ "...Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel..."   1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?   It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter, ( and it's not just from all the nagging we have to endure )? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood. _____________ ‹› _____________ 2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?   Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught.   I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can. _____________ ‹› _____________ 3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?   We occasionally need to adjust our selves to be comfortable. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus. _____________ ‹› _____________ 4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?   We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple, ( and well chosen ), words. _____________ ‹› _____________ 5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?   You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you wind up sleeping on a couch. _____________ ‹› _____________ 6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?   Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays. _____________ ‹› _____________ 7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?   Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache, and my hair hurts, whenever I try to figure out how I feel. _____________ ‹› _____________ 8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE, ( I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG )?   Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck, ( besides women ), can stand lying around for hours on end?   We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now, sitting on our butts for hours on end, on the other hand, is a whole other story. _____________ ‹› _____________ 9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR BUTTS ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?   Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired.   In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers, etc.   The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability. _____________ ‹› _____________ 10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"   Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults. _____________ ‹› _____________ 11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?   Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special?   Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your britches. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well! _____________ ‹› _____________ 12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?   We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things. _____________ ‹› _____________ 13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?   Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up. _____________ ‹› _____________ 14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND PASSING GAS?   This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection.   Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps. _____________ ‹› _____________ 15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?   It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no interest in killing? ...Err... buying? ______________________<>_____________________ This has been another useless posting from The EZINE WRITER emagazine! %%%    _________________________________________________________ Copywight 2015 - Elmer Fudd All Wights Weserved %%%    _________________________________________________________ _______________________________                     |||||| Bradley |||||| Grand poobah and bathroom attendant. mailto: EzineWriterOwner@gmail.com ________________________________ <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ______________________________ |||||||||||| The EZINE WRITER ||||||||||| Designed With Your Mind In Mind <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>   Get more! Click here for our Facebook page!   KEYWORDS: #testosterone, #adjust, #emotion, #wildebeest, #britches, #courting, #evolutionary.

THE HANGOVER RATING GUIDE

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WELCOME TO The EZINE WRITER emagazine! • "Useless as a fireproof match" says Chicago Tribune! • • T h e  E Z I N E  W R I T E R • D E S I G N E D  W I T H  Y O U R  M I N D  I N  M I N D <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> |||||||||||| The EZINE WRITER ||||||||||| <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> THE HANGOVER RATING GUIDE _____________________-«{}»-_____________________ "...✯✯ STAR HANGOVER Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss..."   1 . ✯ STAR HANGOVER   No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well.   However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries. _____________ ‹› _____________ 2. ✯✯ STAR HANGOVER   Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.   Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails. _______________ ‹› _______________ 3. ✯✯✯ STAR HANGOVER   Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m.   Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke, watching Good Morning America with the sound off. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - but you still can't pee. _______________ ‹› _______________ 4. ✯✯✯✯ STAR HANGOVER   Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, ( girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars ), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976.   ou would give a weeks pay for one the following:     1. Home time.     2. A quick drink and somewhere to be alone.     3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. _______________ ‹› _______________ 5 ✯✯✯✯✯ STAR HANGOVERv   ( aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell )   You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now.   You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen and rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy.   You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust and you don't care either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....ever so gently. ______________________<>_____________________ This has been another useless posting from The EZINE WRITER emagazine! %%%    _________________________________________________________ Copywight 2015 - Elmer Fudd All Wights Weserved %%%    _________________________________________________________ _______________________________                     |||||| Bradley |||||| Grand poobah and bathroom attendant. mailto: EzineWriterOwner@gmail.com ________________________________ <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ______________________________ |||||||||||| The EZINE WRITER ||||||||||| Designed With Your Mind In Mind <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>   Get more! Click here for our Facebook page!   KEYWORDS: #headache, #stapler, #cadet, #gallon, #lambasted, #shaving, #Dante's, #pathetic.

Saga of the Hotel Soaps

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WELCOME TO The EZINE WRITER emagazine! • "Useless as a fireproof match" says Chicago Tribune! • • T h e  E Z I N E  W R I T E R • D E S I G N E D  W I T H  Y O U R  M I N D  I N  M I N D <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> |||||||||||| The EZINE WRITER ||||||||||| <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Saga of the Hotel Soaps _____________________-«{}»-_____________________ "...In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?..."   D ear Maid,   Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.   Thank you, S. Berman _____________ ‹› _____________ Dear Room 635,   I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.   Kathy, Relief Maid _______________ ‹› _______________ Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.   Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning thelittle bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.   S. Berman _______________ ‹› _______________ Dear Mr. Berman,   My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.   Your regular maid, Dotty _______________ ‹› _______________ Dear Mr. Berman,   The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.   Thank you. Elaine Carmen - Housekeeper _______________ ‹› _______________ Dear Miss Carmen,   It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?   S. Berman _______________ ‹› _______________ Dear Mr. Berman,   Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.   Thank you, Elaine Carmen - Housekeeper _______________ ‹› _______________ Dear Mr. Kensedder,   My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.   S. Berman _______________ ‹› _______________ Dear Mr. Berman,   I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.   Martin L. Kensedder - Assistant Manager _______________ ‹› _______________ Dear Mrs. Carmen,   Who the heck left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my ONE bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.   S. Berman _______________ ‹› _______________ Dear Mr. Berman,   You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays, which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory, which I left in your room.   Elaine Carmen - Housekeeper _______________ ‹› _______________ Dear Mrs. Carmen,   Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.   Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.   S. Berman ______________________<>_____________________ This has been another useless posting from The EZINE WRITER emagazine! %%%    _________________________________________________________ Copywight 2015 - Elmer Fudd All Wights Weserved %%%    _________________________________________________________ _______________________________                     |||||| Bradley |||||| Grand poobah and bathroom attendant. mailto: EzineWriterOwner@gmail.com ________________________________ <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ______________________________ |||||||||||| The EZINE WRITER ||||||||||| Designed With Your Mind In Mind <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>   Get more! Click here for our Facebook page!   KEYWORDS: #Maid, #soap, #management, #hotel, #Housekeeper, #room, #Kleenex, #tub.