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1 2 D A Y S O F C H R I S T M A S
• G I F T S B Y M A I L •
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"...7 swans a-swimming?! What kind of joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house, and they never stop with the racket!..."
I
met a lady last year and she was 'real' nice.
I felt it would be a cool idea to send her the gifts in the song, 'The Twelve Days of Christmas', by mail.
The following are notes sent to me each day as she recieved each gift:
Day 1:
Dearest EzineWriter:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Hagatha
Day 2:
Dearest EzineWriter:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Hagatha
Day 3:
Dearest EzineWriter:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity – three French hens! They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Hagatha
Day 4:
Dear EzineWriter,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Hagatha
Day 5:
Dearest EzineWriter:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings… one for every finger! You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Hagatha
Day 6:
Dear EzineWriter:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps... So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Hagatha
Day 7:
EzineWriter:
What's with you and those frigging birds? 7 swans a-swimming?! What kind of joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house, and they never stop with the racket! I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those blasted birds.
Sincerely,
Hagatha
Day 8:
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What in the world am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own freakin' cows! There is crap all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house!
Just lay off me, smart guy.
Hagatha
Day 9:
Hey!
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And boy do they play - they've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours…
Hagatha
Day 10:
You Snake!
Now there's 10 ladies dancing... I don't know why I call them ladies - they've been fooling around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of crap, and The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
Day 11:
Listen! Twitvalve,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers ran through the maids and have been eyeing the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead - they've been trampled to death. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine!
Your sworn enemy,
Hagatha
Day 12:
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Seawave. The destruction, of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Hagatha at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Pester and Billem
Federal Criminal Defense Attorneys
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This has been another useless posting from
The EZINE WRITER emagazine!
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Copywight 2014 - Elmer Fudd
All Wights Weserved
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|||||| Bradley ||||||
Grand poobah and bathroom attendant.
mailto: EzineWriterOwner@gmail.com
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KEYWORDS: the ezine writer, postman, partridge, doves, hens, rings, complaining, crap, cows, sadist, condemned, rotten, Attorneys, tree.
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